this is really just for me.


i get to have dinner with my dad tomorrow . . an unexpected, overdue, welcome surprise. i can't believe i get to see him twice this month. that's usually the number of times i get to see him in one year . . maybe two. when he called me and told me today, i was absolutely ecstatic. OF COURSE i would drop any plans i had to see him. OF COURSE i would pick out a good restaurant for us to eat at. for the first time in quite a while, i was happier than i could imagine . . and it was a happiness i couldn't have expected. the rare moments we get to spend together are so few and far between that my whole world is turned upside down when they happen.

our conversation today, however brief, solidified how thankful i am to have the relationship i do with him. i'm thankful he claims me. i'm thankful he supports me. i'm thankful that he wants to be a part of my life. he could have easily not told me he'd be in orlando tomorrow. he could have avoided the whole situation. but he decided to tell me. he decided to invite me to dinner. i know this sounds silly . . this should be something all dads do . . but i know my situation is unique . . i know that ever moment should be cherished because not very many children can even say they know their dad's name. but moments like today, when he surprised me with the news, i felt special . . really really special to him. out of all the children he's raised, his and anna's . . i felt singled out in a great way. i don't know how to explain it . . i felt so . . . SPECIAL. i'm his only daughter . . his only blood child not screwing up . . . and he's rewarding me with dinner. i can't believe how happy i am about it. it couldn't have come at a better time. and, i can't even remember the last time we spent even a few hours together, just me and him. i want to share it with the world, all the while keeping it all to myself. i was so happy after i got off the phone that i had to cry. i've never doubted that my father loves me . . but today . . i felt unconditionally loved and cared for . . and i haven't felt that in years. for the first time in a great long while, i'm looking forward to the next day.


the only man in the world whose opinion matters is his.

GOD DAMNIT.

i'm so tired of being angry.
and alone.

i don't mean to push people away, i swear.

i just wish some people would push back.

i have so much to say. i check this journal everyday for updates from the few people that still keep track of this thing. i feel an obligation to put something down, even for myself. it's time to be frank.

every time i hear the song "runaway train" i think about brandon. in fact, there still hasn't been a day that had gone by in the past 5 years that i havent thought about him. it makes me angry, sad, and lonely, every time that i do. i wish i could change my mentality about romance, life, and my uncertain future.

i'm with someone i can't BE with. i've been asked on a date by someone i TRIED to be with. the whole situation is complicated. there are two people i can confide in, but neither discussion seems to help. i don't know what to do. i know there's no one in this town that will fulfill my needs. i know that i need to cut myself loose, find a new world entirely. but all i've known is lakeland. the end is approaching, and i don't know how to let go.

the depression has been sinking lately to a dark hidden place i cant seem to close out. i need it out. i need to breathe fresh air.

my priorities are all screwed up. instead of studying, i watched old movies, played skipbo, and drank. i disappointment myself more and more every day.

my life will forever be defined by what happened two years ago, and i hate the guilt that resides in me because of it. i want to be held again. i'm tired of pushing away. i miss having that "everything."
i miss a lot of things.

i need to grow up.

i wish this sadness wasnt so overwhelming.

i wanted to
cut/burn/die tonight
but i didn't.



it's time to let go. it's time to say "fuck this and fuck you. i'm better than all of it."



looking for a new job starting wednesday. i don't need you or your married ass self.



i need chess. and cigarettes.

i have cried way too many times in the ihop parking lot.

my life is one big joke.

i've found someone really great for me, to replace the person that was no good at all.

but i miss the vice already.

sometimes, hell feels better than heaven.

too bad i don't know what heaven really means.

here's to blowing up that stupid rock and hoping the hard place isnt really as hard as i imagine it to be.

wow.
i really have no idea what i want.

lately, the right side of my jaw has been killing me, in the sense that i can't chew, talk (thank god), or yawn. apparently, i have TMJ. yet, i haven't gone to the doctor to have this verified. the pain is annoying, though not unbearable. and, from what i hear, it never goes away. great.

these last few weeks of school aren't as harsh as i'd like to make them out to be. i've been through this before. last minute paper writing and cramming for tests isn't anything new to me. i know i'll be fine. though, i do love bitching about the whole thing.

new guy. we'll see how this goes.

senior show is in three months. i have three paintings and an installation to finish before then. i know i can do it, it's just a matter of getting off my lazy ass. i would like everyone, every where, ever important to me to attend. kthanks.

that is all.

"So, you'll never remember. That's not how it works.

You're not just going to all of a sudden remember what it was like.

You'll never get those back ever.

Because of, well, the alcohol.

AND - you'll never forget that you'll never remember."

for a new tattoo. or piercing. or sex. or kitten.

can't i just have all four in the same day?